By Andy Koval

We’ve all been there, you’re at a bar with your friends and some idiot is ruining your evening from the karaoke stage. You want to scream at them, “Get off the stage, you’re terrible.” but you realize that would be mean.

So what songs should just be universally banned from every karaoke bar? I used three different types of criteria when coming up with this list; the song is too hard for normal people to sing, the song is too annoying or depressing to be sung by drunken people, or I simply hate the song in my opinion. Here we go.

R.E.M. – It’s the End of the World

Michael Stipe is just too fast for drunk karaoke singers. No doubt if I performed this song, I would pull a Homer Simpson. See below.

The Darkness – I Believe in a Thing Called Love

This song would be drop dead funny if someone could pull it off, but for guys at least, you would have to revert to pre-adolescent to hit those notes. This guy is 15 years too late.

Whitney Houston – I Will Always Love You

Don’t even try to convince your mind that you have the vocal capabilities to make this sound good when you are flipping through the song book. This song is my favorite song about the one and only Kevin Costner. You probably couldn’t keep Dances With Wolves Kevin Costner interested in this song, and he is from the 19th century. This girl’s performance is downright painful, but I think she did this poorly with the mindset of “going viral”, which is even more pathetic.

British Wedding Version

Johnny Cash – Hurt

You never want to make a whole room of people sob while singing karaoke. This is one of the most depressing songs ever. You never want to be known as someone who kills vibes, especially at a bar. Side note- this wins the award as the saddest music video ever.

Train – Drops of Jupiter

3 days ago, when I was trying to come up with songs for this list, I was at Wal-Mart buying Jack’s Pizza (75% of my diet). All of a sudden, this song came on, and immediately someone started belting this awful tune out in the frozen aisle. It was so bad and annoying, it ruined my Tuesday. Hey Train, can you do me a favor and head back to the Milky Way?

* This guy is straight up killing the cut off sleeves jean jacket look, total game changer.

Blink -182 – Adam’s Song

Another song that is way too depressing to be ever performed on a karaoke stage. If you’re looking for a fun Blink song to sing, junior high Andy recommends “Dammit”.

Tammy Wynette – Stand By Your Man

No one wants to hear this song covered besides the folks at Bob’s Country Bunker down in Kokomo, Indiana. “Rawhide” gets all of the attention in The Blues Brothers, but this is just as great. The guy in the CAT hat and long side burns drinking alone half way through the video is the definition of “emotionally devastated”.

Joy Division – Love Will Tear Us Apart

Top 5 favorite songs of all time, it’s just I don’t think anyone can imitate the haunting voice that was Ian Curtis. Also, even though this song is amazing, it is very depressing. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, wiki Joy Division right now. Rest in Peace, Ian.

Rick Astley – Never Gonna Give You Up

The song responsible for the Internet sensation of 2006, “Rick Rolling”, should be banned. Unless you are as drunk as this guy, and own a bandana and unicorn shirt, move on to “Don’t Stop Believing”.

Dave Matthews Band – Crash

This isn’t the inside of a 1996 coffee shop. From personal experience, if you don’t have that signature “Dave sound” for this song, you’re going to get booed. A lot. From a true Dave fan, if you want to karaoke him, go with “Too Much.” You’ll have to get Kevin Costner to be your bodyguard to escape the place if you do it right. Girls love Dave. Too much Costner in this article or not enough? I can keep going.

Shania Twain – Man! I Feel Like a Woman

True story, one of my uncles bought Shania Twain albums for years just for the covers. If the artist is attractive, regardless of their talent, he loves them. Biggest Buffy The Vampire Slayer fan in the world. Anyways, I guess I don’t like the song because I don’t understand what it feels like to be a woman. I can just picture a Texan wedding reception where all the bridesmaids karaoke this. They would lose me at, “Let’s go girls!”

The Notorious B.I.G. – Big Poppa

Don’t even think about it, I just don’t think normal people can pull this off. First off, for the full effect, you have to be at least 300 pounds if you get on the stage. No one wants to see a skinny Big Poppa. Karaoke 101. This guy lost all his karaoke credibility the minute he put on that fedora.

Meat Loaf – Paradise By the Dashboard Light

If you are looking to do a duet with your significant other, just please sleep on this song and pick something else. For one, it’s 10 minutes long. Secondly, You don’t have the long hair, the gut, the suspenders, or the 18th century top Meatloaf has in this video. This is every girl’s dream right? If I had 1/10th of the style Meatloaf had, I would be modeling in GQ.

Nickelback – How You Remind Me

You try to attempt singing this song at a bar I am at, and I will implement the “Koval Karaoke Block” and run on stage and destroy the karaoke machine. Plain and Simple. It’s a public safety concern really, I have to do something to prevent people’s ears from bleeding. If you ever hear someone karaoke this, you have my permission to use my move. Just leave the bar owner a 50 for a new karaoke machine and you can sleep soundly.

So this weekend if you hear any songs on this list, I want you to jump on stage right after that person and belt out a classic. Easiest way to show someone up is out performing him or her in front of strangers.

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