By Lin Brehmer

One should always wait at least a week before implementing New Year’s resolutions because by that time the impulse will have passed and we can all continue with our lives unencumbered by the sort of promises so ridiculous that we can only make them to ourselves.
The saddest part of New Year’s resolutions is how modest they look on paper.
Lose weight.
Work out.
How about drink less?
Other people tend to try too hard.
I asked around for inspiration.
Lorelai Gilmore: “Hey, I have a new year’s resolution for you: Become more cynical and self-absorbed.”
Tried that last year.
My personal favorite. I’m gonna get in shape.
Do you know what’s great about returning to the YMCA after a long absence? Well, nothing. But you have to admire the cast of characters. The young people behind the front desk so new they have no idea how completely you have failed in every single attempt to re-dedicate yourself to exercise. But the exercise room, that elliptical, stairmaster, stationary bicycle, treadmill paradise is filled with the same people. The serial exercisers parched and stretched out like greyhounds. The distinguished older gentlemen babysteppin those 15 minute miles. The spandex queens whose outfits really looked good the century they were in college. A motley assortment. Ex-jocks, non-jocks, men and women with fear and desperation in their eyes. And even though you haven’t been there in a year, you notice with some regret that the chubby people are still chubby and the skinny people are still skinny. And there is always one person in the room whose bearing and muscle tone and shape has an allure that is both superficial and irresistible. Ignore that person. For many reasons.
My resolutions: How about?
I resolve to start drinking all the good wine in my basement before my well-meaning Dr. Dan realizes that I should probably skip the wine drinking all together.
I resolve that I will get at least five hours of sleep a night.
None of our resolutions has a doughnuts chance in the DJ lounge. Except the one where we drink more wine.
Never talk about what you’ll do when it only matters what you’ve done.
Resolutions are an amusement of the damned. And I’ll damn them before they damn me.
Jimi Hendrix had the best resolution I’ve ever heard.
Dick Cavett to Jimi Hendrix: “Do you try to get up and practice every day?”
Jimi Hendrix to Dick Cavett: “I try to get up.”
My resolution: I try to get up.


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